It turns out the Russians would have taken Kyiv in two days if it weren’t for the RAIN!
Donald, you just weren’t fully briefed!
A tornado swept over Brovary, a tsunami hit Hostomel, a volcano awoke in Irpin, and the Bermuda Triangle opened on the Zhytomyr highway. 200 Russian tanks went in, and one mammoth came out. Without documents.
In Obolon, combat penguins set up checkpoints, kangaroos with Javelins stopped armored vehicles, and dinosaurs refused to let the Russians through because they don’t tolerate competition for extinction.
And the roads?! Donald, we still have Kyivan Rus! There’s no asphalt, Prince Volodymyr is collecting tolls, and the navigator shouts: “In 300 meters, turn right at the Pechenegs!”
Google Maps generally froze with the message: “Sorry, this area is not yet mapped in civilization.”
Air battles raged over Kyiv for several days. But now it’s clear: the clouds were shooting down Russian planes, lightning acted as air defenses, and the rainbow coordinated the General Staff!
It turns out the entire defense of Kyiv was a large-scale meteorological operation, with combat reports received directly from the Hydrometeorological Center!
I propose immediately awarding the cyclone the title of Hero of Ukraine, the tornado the Order of Bohdan Khmelnytsky, penguins with combatant status, kangaroos with combat pay, dinosaurs with land plots, and the Hydrometeorological Center with the Nobel Peace Prize!
But, Donald, there’s a small question.
If rain saved Kyiv, what’s been happening for almost five years?!
Are monsoons fighting in Donbas? Typhoons near Pokrovsk? Are tropical cyclones raging over all of Ukraine for the fifth year? And are Russian missiles shot down by migrating geese?
Then why have peace talks at all?!
Order a three-day rainstorm over Moscow, a tsunami, an earthquake, and a squad of Antarctic penguins!
And the war will be over in 24 hours!
And if that doesn’t help—release the dinosaurs!
And finally, I have only one question for the Ukrainian Hydrometeorological Center: Guys, what have you been looking at since 2022?! Is it really so hard to order another rain over Moscow?!
In the collage: a fragment of the Time magazine cover and a photo of the multi-kilometer convoy of Russian equipment moving towards Kyiv, first captured in Maxar Technologies satellite images on February 28, 2022. Then its length was estimated at 15.5 km.
